Profoundly known as the 5th, final and certainly the most difficult stage to attain in the stages of grief, Acceptance is a universal aspect of our lives.
I am going to be brutally honest in this blog as well as the ones I write in the future, especially about various elements of life and society that are intertwined and need attention. My blog ‘addressing the incomprehensible’ was basically the foundation for articles like this one; while reading this post, many of you might feel that I’m sharing too much or that I’m unaware of the concept of censorship. Censorship while discussing crucial topics like acceptance is nothing but hesitation, ignorance and negligence to accept the truth, the reality.
In this article, whatever I say is my point of view, my way of thinking. I am not pressuring or urging anyone to act similarly just because I said or did so. I think simply beginning a conversation on such a sensitive subject instils a feeling of taboo or awkwardness amongst people. If a single person feels motivated, or someone decides to change their long-lasting perceptions and accept what is, or even if one of you just feel positive, refreshed, calm or that at least someone is listening to you, then the purpose of the blog will be met and there’s nothing else I want.
My personal dealings with Acceptance
After my accident, I was
constantly asked the same questions on a daily basis for almost six months- “How
did you handle all this? How can you be so jovial lying in bed, not being able to
sit up straight? It must’ve been gruesome and too painful? Will you be able to
walk again? Will your scars heal and fade? Will your leg look like it used to
before the accident and plastic surgery?”
How? When? Will? At times I used
to get puzzled listening to these questions because I never had these thoughts
about myself or the situation. So many doubts, so much negativity and lack of
faith. My picture below where I am 2 months post-op the superficial skin graft and 1 month post-op the Nerve transplant and graft will justify their questions but my goal was to recover as rapidly as I can. So I politely replied “The moment I accepted the reality of the
situation I was in, all my fears of pain and suffering and doubts about the
future vanished. I could focus on my recovery without any distractions.” This
moment I mentioned came, albeit unknowingly, on my 3rd day in the
ICU. I didn’t realize how my acceptance affected others until the doctors,
nurses and orderlies of the hospital said that I was the calmest, best-behaved
and most respectful patient they had ever handled. They actually pushed their
shifts and came to wish me luck on the day I was discharged.
A year has passed and anyone who knows me well can confirm this- I never complain or get irritated about anything; complaining is not acceptance, it is ignorance towards reality. Even today as I am recuperating, I say to myself and my family- “This is the reality. It is what it is. I have accepted it. There’s no use in playing “what-if” games. Now I will completely focus on my recovery and come out in better shape physically as well as mentally than the one I was in before this incident.”
A year has passed and anyone who knows me well can confirm this- I never complain or get irritated about anything; complaining is not acceptance, it is ignorance towards reality. Even today as I am recuperating, I say to myself and my family- “This is the reality. It is what it is. I have accepted it. There’s no use in playing “what-if” games. Now I will completely focus on my recovery and come out in better shape physically as well as mentally than the one I was in before this incident.”
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| This is me 1 week into physiotherapy. Before this I couldn't even sit-up straight by myself. |
The tension between society and acceptance
I have been reading the
book 7 Habits of highly effective people
by Stephen R. Covey for the second time after 7 years and the first chapter
itself describes this tension between society and acceptance. The problem that
the society has in accepting anything be it new or old, traditional or modern,
conventional or otherwise is the hard-wired perceptions we have about
everything. During our upbringing, we were influenced by many people; family
and friends, teachers, the media, the television and film entertainment
industries. After a lifetime of living and growing with these SET perceptions, we
see and believe things differently. So, when we are faced with the task of
accepting something that is beyond the comprehension of our perceptions, we
tend to instantly reject them.
A recent conversation with one of
my best friends regarding the LGBTQIA community in India and how the country’s Supreme
Court decriminalized and lifted the ban (I.P.C Section 377) on same-sex
relationships gave me an insight about acceptance. As we were chatting, I said
that this decision made by the government was a big step towards positive
changes in society and the country. I am glad that the ban was lifted. Now,
before we proceed further, I would like to mention that I respect my friend, his
thoughts and views and the same applies to him. And we’re back in; he said that
he couldn’t comprehend how or why a person would like or even want to be with
someone of the same sex? It just felt too weird and awkward to him. He then
asked me if I was accepting of these relationships. Waiting for him to fire his
next question, I said that I not only accept but I support the community. His
next question was a type of test to see whether I was actually telling the
truth or was just a phony supporter; he asked “what if someone close to you,
say your sister approached you and came out to you as a lesbian? What would you
do? Will you accept her?” It was a fair question and I didn’t get angry or
offended. I calmly said “yes, of course! She is my sister, her sexual orientation/preferences
won’t change that and I will stand by her side through thick and thin. I have
no doubt about that. As for the reactions of others at home, I am unaware of
their point of view but I won’t let anyone harm or belittle my sister.”
The effect of acceptance in cases of mental illnesses
Living in India, I haven’t met many
people who have mental health disorders like ADHD/ADD, BPD, DID/MPD, anxiety
and depression. So, either there aren’t as many cases in India or these people
are out there struggling on their own. Other mental illnesses like epilepsy and
autism clearly project themselves through the patient’s demeanor.
Here, acceptance must come from
both sides. Family members, relatives, friends, and society need to accept and
understand the gravity of the situation, but the patient’s acceptance of
his/her condition is paramount. One needs to accept that they are suffering
from something and that keeping it hidden, not seeking help or treatment is
eating them up. I have seen how people treat those suffering from autism or
epilepsy; they literally try to put them down by undermining and criticizing each
and every aspect of their life.
Being bedridden for 5 months and
confined at home for 11, I have become quite active on twitter and here’s where
I learned about the severity of these mental health issues in greater depth and
how the dismissal of such matters can lead to extreme and perilous outcomes
like violence or self-harm. I began studying the aforementioned issues, the
stressors that cause the patients pain and how the stigma of the society, its ignorance
towards these matters is affecting them. Mental health writers and advocates
like Rebecca Burke (HERE is her travel
& mental health blog. It’s quite inspiring. Do check it out!), as well as
famous athletes like Michael Phelps who overcame depression and anxiety are supporting
the cause. Just reading and listening to their experiences is motivation
enough, at least for me, to reach out to those struggling with these problems
and lend them some help, doesn’t matter how.
This is a beautiful prayer recited in the Alcoholics Anonymous group meetings:-
"Lord, give me the courage to change the things that can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed; and the wisdom to know the difference."
This is a beautiful prayer recited in the Alcoholics Anonymous group meetings:-
"Lord, give me the courage to change the things that can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Acceptance is important because:
· It brings people closer than ever
· Building personal and professional relationships becomes easier
· Widens your horizon and changes your thought process
· You get a complete understanding of any situation because you listen
· Dealing with challenges and difficult situations becomes less stressful
The obstacle in the path towards accepting anything is that we never want to listen. Sure, we hear what others have to say, but hearing and listening are two completely different activities. I have made some changes in my life that have helped me accept certain concepts that I previously neglected. It is a good feeling as it opens your mind to new things and newer possibilities.
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